Sick Day

Last night served as an initiation into mommihood for me. First night with a sick kid. Solomon has been fighting congestion since we've taken him home. It is just a symptom of life in Port-au-Prince for most thanks to the dust and pollution in the air. But last night he got really quiet--strangely so. He then stopped eating and threw up several times to the point of dry heaving (its no fun watching a baby dry-heave). Later the diarrhea began. The mommy in me started freaking out. He felt dry, hot and I jumped to all the most irrational conclusions... he has malaria, meningitis, typhoid. All the reasons that I hesitated being a mom in Haiti came to the forefront of my mind in the darkness of night.

I was glad for the doctor in me to help ease my worries. We checked his vital signs, I listened to his lungs, checked his ears and generally reassured myself that he was actually hanging in there ok, just feeling bad. With that, I practiced all the "advice" I've been handing out for years without any real-life trial: keeping him cool, giving him little bits of water, little bits of milk frequently. I couldn't sleep and jumped at every cough in the night fearing he was vomiting and might aspirate, watching for tears with crying that would tell me I was getting enough fluids in to counteract the violent OUTS he was having. It was a long night, but we got through it. Now I know why my mom has always said, "you'll never understand what its like to be a mom until..."

I have to admit despite all the internal panic, a part of me last night was happy to recognize a panicky, irrational, worried mother instead of just a caretaker. We see Solomon's mother every two weeks, and I've struggled with feeling like I have a claim as a Mom to the little man. But last night, it was all instinct and emotion. Can't reason that away. And I was happy for it.

I hate that Solomon is sick. All the worries that I considered when deciding whether or not to try to be a mom in Haiti are surfacing. The differential diagnosis is just so much more scary in a country that has malaria in a mosquito bite, diarrhea in a bad drink of water, or any number of problems in a not-yet-immunized child. Its hard to keep my rational head on. And sometimes as a health care provider, you can know too much. A simple fever that is likely a cold or teething turns into a madding array of potential illnesses in the recesses of my mind.

Now Solomon is asleep on my lap after moving from his asleep position on my chest. He seems better today, but certainly not back to normal. I've attempted to put him down 3 times, and each time he cries a abandoned cry... so its a no go. But the daylight brings perspective. So now I just hold him and hope that our TLC will get him through this first of many "sick days" he's likely to have. I'm glad he is here, with us, able to have one-on-one care. And as he sleeps in my arms, I take note, now with worry abated, of what a lucky mom I am to get to care for this little guy, in sickness or in health.